On Connection with Danny Coleman – Ep. 190

In this episode of the Next Level Human Podcast, Dr. Jade welcomes Danny Coleman. Danny is the co-author of Next Level Tribe and today he gives his perspective on what it really means to create a human connection with another individual. 

Dr. Jade and Danny talk about the many ways to create deep connections: being approachable, asking questions, being kind, smiling at someone… these are all great ways to start creating meaningful connections, but it is one thing to start and another thing to maintain. Another important factor when it comes to creating and maintaining connection is being genuinely interested in what the other person has to share. Tune in to learn more about this topic.

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Related Links

Next Level Tribe by Dr. Jade Teta and Danny Coleman

Connect with Danny

Instagram: @itsdannycoleman

Connect with Dr. Jade Teta

Website: www.jadeteta.com

Instagram: @jadeteta

TRANSCRIPTION:

Podcast Intro: [00:14] welcome to the Next Level Human Podcast. As a human, you have a job to do. In fact, you have four jobs; to earn and manage money, to attain and maintain health and fitness, to build and sustain personal relationships, to find meaning and make a difference. None of these jobs are taught in school and that is what this podcast is designed to do. To educate us all on living our most fulfilled lives through the mastery of these four jobs. I'm your host, Dr. Jade Teta and I believe we are here living this life for three reasons and three reasons only; to learn, to teach and to love. In this podcast, I will be learning, teaching, and loving right along with you. I'm grateful to have your company; here is to our next level.

Jade 1:18

What's going on everybody? Welcome to today's podcast and today's show, I've got a special guest. One of my best friends and colleagues, Danny Coleman, he came up from Austin, Texas, to Asheville, North Carolina to sit down and have a weekend together. And while we were together, we did a very long podcast on both connection and contentment, which I've split into two separate episodes. In this episode, Episode 190, you're gonna get the connection aspect of that conversation and next week's follow on conversation will be the conversation on contentment, it may seem like this podcast ends pretty abruptly. But don't worry, because the conversation continues next week in Episode 191. Danny is not just one of my closest friends and colleagues. But he's also my co-author on my book, Next Level tribe, our book, Next Level tribe. And it's probably the least known of the books that I've written. But it may be the most popular insofar as it seems to be the one I get the most comments on from DMS, from email, and especially from friends and family and friends of friends and family who have read this book. And the conversations normally go something like you know, it's a book that I didn't know, I needed. And it's a book about connection. Next Level tribe is all about finding, managing and keeping the relationships that matter. Most, you know, connection is critical because it is one of these things that we humans are pack animals in a very real sense. We are not islands unto ourselves, we need other human beings, and they need us and it's the way we find meanings, the way we learn. It's the way we teach the way we love. It's the way we grow in the world. And so Danny and I wanted to dive deep into these concepts. Now, if you love this work, make sure you follow Danny he's at it's Danny Coleman on social media. He also has his own podcast was does a lot of this stuff, especially for those of you who are coaches. That podcast is called Take care radio. And I really appreciate you please make sure you give the podcast some love gone over to iTunes give us a five star review and a review there so I can see your responses. It always makes me happy. It always helps other people find a podcast. If you have suggestions for future podcasts, please hit up [email protected] Or DM me on any of the social medias. And without further ado, let's get into this conversation with Danny Coleman in Episode 190 of the next level human podcast. Thanks so much. And let's get started. All right, what's going on everybody? Welcome to today's show. So actually, we're doing a tandem because I've got one of my closest friends in the world on the show. Danny Coleman, also co-author of our book, Next Level tribe, he also has his own podcast. And so this show is probably going to show up in both places. And Danny is visiting me in Nashville, and we decided to come back and have several conversations, especially around the book, Next Level tribe and for those of you who have not read that book, Next Level tribe is all about connecting with individuals. It's basically this idea of finding and keeping and managing the most important relationships in our lives and what it's all about to connect with people. So we're going to talk today, this episode about connection and we're going to just kind of see where the discussion goes. You're basically going to get some insight into just you know, day Andy and I, when we sit around talking, he's been here for a couple of days now, and we stay up late just talking shop. And so we figured we put one of these conversations, or a couple of these conversations on the podcast. So Danny, let's, you know, start out man, with connection, I've always considered you, one of the best at this. And you and I were talking yesterday about how we have several friends, several acquaintances, people that we watch, how difficult it is for them to connect in person. And we also see a lot in social media, how people are even struggling to connect there. And it has become, you know, sort of this thing where you're just like, I can't believe that people are struggling so much in this area. So I want to just hear your thoughts and how you want to open up with it. And obviously, all of you listening on next level tribe goes into a lot of this in detail. So you'll get a lot of that. If you want more on connection, definitely check out the book.

Danny  5:58 

Yeah, man. So we'll, we'll see how this goes. I have a couple things that I want to run by you that I actually you and I are pretty much on the same page. I feel like we're definitely an echo chamber for each I'm like, Yeah, everything you say I'm like, Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's what I think. But I think I might have something that might steer, steer us in different directions a little bit. But first, actually, what I would love to talk about is just why it is so hard to connect, especially what it seems now where I don't know, if you're read the book by a thing. His name's Robert Putnam. And the name escapes me the thyroid man, the name of the bookcase, and it'll hit me mid podcast. But basically, the book was written in the early 2000s. And it's kind of about the deterioration of communities. So like, I talked to my dad last week, and we're talking to me, because when I was in my teens in my 20s, even in my early 30s 30s, he belonged to organizations like the Knights of Columbus, he used to go down to the local y where they had pool tables, and basketball games, and people would just go and hang out, they just had nothing to do. So they kind of just went to the centralized locations. And I think a huge problem with connection now is that these kind of communities are kind of evaporating, and more and more, we're kind of hiding behind our screens. And I do this to actually, I probably feel the lonely loneliest I've ever felt my entire life, kind of just I work from home, work from the computer, I connect via zoom calls. So other than my lady kills the house, I find it very difficult to connect, there's very little organizations, I'm getting out and joining, but you don't have that experience, you seem to be you're like I'm trying to be isolated. And I'm surrounded by people all the time. So I want to start this discussion around just your view of society at large in these kinds of evaporating. Little communities, even with your neighbors, people want higher fences, they don't want, they don't really have block parties anymore. A lot of people don't know their neighbors. It's just really an interesting trend that I'm noticing that first of all, just makes it even if you want to connect, and are good at it, it's becoming very difficult. Do you see it that way? Or you're like, nah, social media, and everything makes it actually more fans the flame of connection?

Jade  8:09 

Yeah. Well, it's interesting, right? I think, I agree. In terms of we don't have a whole lot of places we go unless you know, certain people who are still in the religious sector and go to church every Sunday. They're connecting in that regard. sports arenas, things like that. Certainly, you know, those kinds of things can bring people together, people going into the pubs and watching the games and things like that. But I would say meaningful connection. Absolutely. And I think we have to make a distinction between connection versus you know, and maybe we'll call it superficial connection, versus meaningful connection. And you and I and next level tribe talked about this idea of the empty audience. It was a term that you use, where there's this idea of, there's all these people around, and they are watching you, right, but they really don't have anything for you. And they're not necessarily your friends, they are around you. But you don't really know them that well, they don't really know you that well. And it's difficult to have deep conversations with them. So you're all kind of talking but you're talking past each other, I think we have a lot more superficial connection. I think what we've lost is deep connection. So in a sense, if you're not paying close attention, you might just go What do you mean, we're all so connected? Now, you know, we can reach out to, you know, a celebrity or you know, someone that we knew 20 years ago, find them and connect with them. But from my perspective, it's very superficial in the way that that dynamic happens, right? Like even if you think about the way we might connect with someone on a DM or something like that. There's only so much that you can say only so much time you have to articulate what you want to do. So I would I I would say, more superficial connection. Yes, we're connected more than ever, with people who really are not our good friends or don't really have a lot to offer in the way of what we crave. And so I think we have lost deep connection. And I'll say one more thing about me in particular in you that's different. And you and I have a mutual friend, Mike Zehra, who has been on the podcast for those who listen to the podcast will know him, he's more extroverted, I think you're maybe a little bit more extroverted than me, I'm more introverted, I can be alone for a very long time. But you're right, I do tend to have a lot of people around me, right. So I'm lucky in that regard. So you'll come into town, Mike will come into town, different friends will come into town. And I like that deep. That deep connection, and it does fulfill me to the degree that once you're around, or I had this deep sort of connection for a week or a few days, when someone's very close to me, I don't really need the superficial connection. First of all, it makes me sees the superficial connection for what it is. And it also allows me to have more quality time for myself before I reconnect again. So I think what we do have a lot more superficial connection, we're not having deep connection, I think that's making us feel incredibly isolated. And also it's sort of like a one other thing, and then I'll throw it back to you. But here's another thing that I think is important. I don't know if I told you this, but I listened to you, you know, you read more hardcover books, I think than I do. Like I listened to most of my books now. And I found I've lost my skill, my spelling skills have gone down because I'm not seeing words on paper, my grammar is getting worse because I'm not seeing words on paper. And I actually think the same thing is happening with connection because people aren't actually seeing people in person. In the same way. If you're not reading an actual physical book, you lose some of the skills about around words, I actually think people are losing the skill of deep connection because they're actually not seeing people. So I think that's part of it. And I'm wondering if you see it that way.

Danny  12:11 

Yeah, that's a great distinction. And actually, this is where I this is where I really dig this kind of stuff. And the reason we wrote the book, the deep connection, and you can kind of you can kind of feel it when you're in the sense of deep connection with somebody and I don't even know how to describe it, but you can definitely feel it and the research shows all these Asheville physiological benefits. When we're recharging. It's like being plugged into an outlet like we need to be charged up to and oftentimes even for introverts, first of all, two things on you introverts out there, there are very few actual introverts. The research show, if you look at as if it's on a sliding scale, say one to 10 Most people are right in between that four to six or E three to seven range. There are very few actual introverts, most of us need deep connection with people and when we fill up our cups, we get plugged in to deep connection, it impacts our immune system, it impacts our brains, it impacts our cardiovascular system, just our general mood, things like that. And there's just really interesting research and just network effects that then I'm gonna I'm gonna butcher this study, it's called the Farmington health study, it was out of Farmington, Massachusetts. And basically what they found is that you can have your happiness level actually has an impact on just people who live within two model two mile radius of you how they figured that out, I'm not quite sure. But it's really fascinating to me that this is the power of deep connection when you are full, the impact is kind of a ripple effect that you can have on other people and then it's this feed forward cycle for your health, for your psychology, for your just general life well-being and I think that was a really good place to start is just let's make this key distinction between superficial connection and deep connection. And the research shows you don't need much deep connection, even us extroverts, I would probably put my myself on a scale of seven to 10. We really it shows we really only need about three people in our lives that we really feel deeply connected to on an ongoing basis. That's not a lot. So that's actually a really encouraging starting point. I think a lot of people especially people who lean introverted, they feel like they gotta go out and be the life of the party. They feel like they need to have a million friends and that that can be really overwhelming for them. It's shit it's overwhelming for me to think that I need 100 friends or I need to know all these people but really when you think about it, we just need three people in our life that are refueling in this deep connection state. And I actually that's kind of the discussion I want to have with you Jade is why is it that people keep coming by your place? Why is it that people key even though you may not even want them? They keep coming to you? And there is something about that and that's what I really want to talk about likability there's this likability factor and I think sometimes likability is looked at a little, a little dark like your self-worth goes into being liked and I don't See it like that I just see likability sort of what we talk about with having the right amount of power, the right amount of warmth, the right amount of presence, and you become more likeable to people, and you have this impact that kind of charges them up. So do you even think about that? Like, because we will do we come to your house all the time? Because it is that sense of connection, it's refueling? Like I'll leave here, I'll start writing my book again, I'll start doing more POC as my creative juices are flowing. So what is that? How do you identify that? You're saying? I don't know, man, I'm just me. And that's what tends to happen to me?

Jade  15:31 

Well, you know, it's, well, first of all, thanks for saying that. It's, I don't know that I've identified it fully in myself. But I know that I've identified it in people who I like to model like my mother, or my father, I'm very lucky that I have two parents who are very connected, you actually are two you have your father and mother are very, very good socially. And what I've noticed that they do that I hope I do, and maybe this is what I'm doing, is that when you're around my mother and father, you feel like you belong, even if you don't know them. And I want to I want to just focus on this for a minute, because I think that might people might go, how is that sort of possible? And I think it's because the dynamic is like when I watch my mom, and you can attest to this because you know, my mom, what my mom will do when she meets someone is first of all, she is so warm, as to immediately make someone feel like this is a friend meaning that she will be like, oh my God is so nice to meet you. She will hug you, she will genuinely find something and this is just her gift. It's not it's not a game. And this is another thing we'll talk about with likeability if it if it comes across like this is a game or an authentic. That's the opposite of likability, but my mom will just is taken by people. And she's taking by different things like someone's style someone's eyes, someone's energy, someone's hair. Just like someone's cuteness, something, my mom is able to immediately pick out something about a person and compliment them in a way that is genuine and authentic, and so warm that it disarms people, that's the first thing. Now, some people are not, you know, I've noticed that there are very few people, but there are some who are not used to that and are a little bit a little bit uncertain what to do with that. But then the next thing begins to happen. And what my mom will do, is, I think what most people do, because we have a craving for acceptance and belonging, we have this craving for status in popularity, will all will start oftentimes playing these subtle games about and we're not even I don't really think consciously aware of it about how we hold ourselves, or what we might say. And, you know, you see this in an in its extreme form, where people are over the top of braggadocious about themselves, or start talking about their accomplishments and things like that my mom does. A very important thing that I think is makes her very likable, she's very self-deprecating. And I know people see that as a negative thing. But it's not self-deprecating to the point where she comes off as weak. It's just self-deprecating, in sort of a funny way. So she lowers her status, you and I talk about this in the book lowers her status slightly, and meanwhile, is very complimentary, so raises your status. So right away, I think that that makes people feel like I don't have to play this popularity status game. And so right away, there's an equalizing way of being that allows these two people now to meet and to actually have a conversation. And then the final thing I'll say, and you and I actually talked about this last night, is that I think that there's different ways, we're all used to this, like the golden rule, and hammer, Robbie's code, and the platinum rule, and I'll go through those really quickly. But I think also my mom uses another rule that we'll talk about right now, which is a hammer Robbie's code is this idea of an eye for an eye, right? It's like, you know, or, or treat people like they treat you if someone's an asshole to you be an asshole back, right? If someone's good to you, then you can be good to them. So that's sort of like this base level way of being in my mind. Then we have the culture level way of being, which is the golden rule, which is treat people, you know, how you want to be treated. But you know, a lot of people might not want to be treated like you. So then we have the platinum rule that says no treat people how they want to be treated. And I think my mom brings this to my mom and my dad both bring it up another level. And I hope that I'm doing this at least I tried to do this and they operate by what I've been called The Law of humanity which essentially says they treat Evil, as if those people are their best selves. As if those people are their next level, the next level versions of themselves, they see the best in people. And then they treat them as if they are that, regardless of what someone may have done in the past, regardless of what they may heard of them. And regardless of what the energetics of that person is, see, my mom puts aside this idea of someone comes in and they're a little insecure, and, you know, shy, she doesn't let that stop or they're, they say something off the cuff or a little bit rude. She doesn't let that stop her. She just genuinely is warm regardless. And then she's still she treats them as if they are the better versions of themselves. And I think this is the beginning of likeability. When you're around someone, and you feel like you don't have to play this subtle, stressful game of you know, who is more popular, who's got better status, who's keeping up with the Joneses, and you can just show up and be yourself. And then also, someone sees you as the person that you would want to be instead of sees you for the mistakes you've made and stuff like that. I think this is the first the first aspect of likeability.

Danny  21:12 

Yeah, I actually, I want to double down on that dude. So one my best. I'm on a huge anti ban for years anti like social skill tips and tricks, or like likability tips and tricks, things like that I because I think to me, it doesn't matter how good your body language is. Or if you use the, you've heard the mirror neuron thing, right? Like you just kind of mirror somebody, at least the games that people play, I think that completely misses the mark. Because to me, that's not the that's not the route of connection, the route is exactly what you're describing with your mom is, it's got to be genuine. Like you have to have. When you go into a conversation, you're meeting with someone or you're engaging with them. My family always makes fun of me, because I'll constantly be just, I always get stuck in chit chat with strangers. But I like it. I generally, like we were joking yesterday about like, I love talking about the weather with people. They're like, I'm from Florida. And like, Tell me about that weather situation. I'm genuinely interested in their environment, how they see the world, their story, things, things that they believe I really, really like to hear that from that from people. And then all the things that these social skill tips and tricks that I'm supposed to be doing just kind of happen, because the foundation of me actually being interested means my eyes are already looking in the right place. My body language is already correct, because it's kind of a domino effect. So I actually think that's absolutely where I think all connection starts. It actually just starts with self-awareness and kind of leaning into that. And I think it's really hard for people to be engaging and charismatic. If they're apathetic about other individuals, they don't care what people think if they don't care how people see the world, if they just don't care about other people in general, it's going to be really hard for you to connect with other people, period, no matter what you do, no matter how many clubs you join, no matter how many social skills books you read, no matter how deeply you look into somebody's eyes, it does not matter if you can't come from a genuine place of, I really just kind of liked this person. I'm interested in them a sense of curiosity, to think about your mom, she's not just acting, non-judgmental, she's actually non-judgmental, and then all the things kind of show that she's actually interested in you. She's actually listening to you when she hugs you, you feel like you're hugging some someone that you've known your entire life. And so I think the first step of, of this likeability framework, which I again, I think this is where I thought we'd go different, I actually think I thought you'd say likability is not that big of a deal. And I've been finding more and more research to kind of show me that actually, likability is huge, it helps you get more jobs, it helps you be more connected and have more friends, it just helps you get all the benefits of connection, right? The immune system, psychological cardiovascular stuff that's there. So I think the foundational piece of all this is, is finding some sort of genuine thing that you like. And that's how you can start connection. That's why CrossFit is a huge success. Everybody comes to the building, it's in person. So you're all surrounded, you're in a small community. But everybody there likes fitness to a degree of some sort. They're interested in getting healthier, they're interested in the same thing. So it's easy to be genuine. And then you see that community just sort of shape itself. So I definitely think the foundational element is you got to find some way to like people or like something about people or like certain people genuinely, because you're not, it's not something you can fake it till you make it.

Jade  24:37 

Yeah. And actually, this brings up a really important point, because I think that, unfortunately, and everyone listening to this, we can all just kind of check in with ourselves, no judgement here. But I think more times than not, and even when I think about myself and the way I interact with the world, when I'm at my worst I'm expecting the world to do something for me. Right, I'm expecting the environment to change for me. And then I'm complaining about the environment. If it doesn't change for me, and certainly when it comes to people, I have this thing that I talk about a lot where people will say that person's toxic or their that's a toxic human. And I really don't like that. Now, of course, at my worst, I do the same thing. Right? So that's why I'm saying it's not a judgment on myself or judgment on all of you. But I think what you're pointing to is something subtle, because to me, I go, how do I know I'm not the toxic one? I think about this a lot. How do I know I'm not the one with the problem. And even if I wasn't, if I'm voluntarily exposing myself, to somebody who is quote, toxic, then by definition, I am voluntarily exposing myself to toxicity. So I am the toxic human. And I guess what I'm trying to say here is that too many people take an individual approach, and then expect the world to change. So the example here would be like, if I want connection, I might look around and go in a coffee shop and expect someone to smile at me and then respond, or I might go to the gym and expect you know, someone to come over to say hi to me, and then respond. Or I may go out and you know, be looking for a romantic partner and expect them to flirt with me or look at me. And then I respond. And I think a lot of people approach the world this way. They're waiting for an opening to happen. So that then they can respond. They're waiting for someone to be kind, so that they can be kind back there waiting some for someone to do something nice. So they can respond nicely back. And I think this is the exact wrong approach. Because what happens is, I think you show up if you want connection, you have to show up and connect, you have to be the one who smiles. And then you also have to understand this what I think people just are not comfortable with think the root of it is, what if they don't smile back, right? Or what if they don't respond back? And to me, I go, you're making their reaction about you, you know, they might have just had a bad day, they may not even see you have this funny story when I was an undergrad where my eyesight started to go. And I would be walking through campus. And like someone would wave to me or something like that. Then I would hear later from a friend. They're like that guy Jade's such an asshole like I waved to him all the time, and he just ignores me. Meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself, I honestly didn't see you, man, like my eyesight, is you? No, no, no, I was just in my own state. Right? And then we go, I'm not going to do that. Because people don't respond, forgetting that people have their lives in their thinking about certain things that are doing certain things. So for me, I think I like and I think that's what my mom does. I think I like the idea of like, if I want to connect, I just show up and connect. And now I'm very aware of it. So even at the coffee shop, I look for people to smile to I look for people to connect with. It's one of the things I love about dogs, I have a little puppy now you and I were talking about what's it like with, you know, having a dog because you, you and Kelsey have a dog as well. I love dogs because they bring people together. And one of the things I'll say about dogs I think is interesting. It's like imagine you're a dog lover, what happens is every time you see a dog, if you're a dog lover, you get a smile on your face, you get this warmth in your heart and you want to say hi to it, or at least your dislike, not only do you love the dog, but you love the person walking the dog because you love dogs. And see, I feel like I love humans. And I just want to connect with humans. And sometimes you might walk past a pit bull of a human. And they're a sweetheart and or maybe your walk by a human you know, that's in a bad mood and barking or whatever, but they still need connection. And I like to be able to try to manipulate that and manipulate the wrong word. But I like to be able to bring an energy into the room with somebody and be able to help them connect and let me be the one who instituted or begins the process instead of waiting for them. Instead of being like that's an asshole I'm not going to be you know, or that person's you know, because think about it. Most people are like, there's a lot of people out there who are shy to have this resting bitchface or resting dick face and like they look me and I know I'm one, right, I just need you to look at me if I'm not smiling, you're not necessarily the most approachable looking human. But I'm also like, wanting to talk to you, you know, and I think this is part of it, we have to put aside the idea that life is supposed to respond to us and life is supposed to connect with us. We're supposed to meet life, you know, in in in that connection, otherwise, we're gonna be waiting a very long time. So I think it's a big piece of a shift in perspective.

Danny  33:38 

Actually one of my favorite tools sort of related to what you're talking about is if you're feeling lonely, you're like you feel like you don't belong anywhere. One of my favorite tools that just makes it tangible really fast is it's from Sean Aiko. I mean, everybody, everybody kind of knows this now, but I want to see what you think about this. Applying it to connection, it's random acts of kindness. Can you do three random acts of kindness every single day. And what that does is a couple of things. One, it changes your perception, it gets you out of your own head, all of a sudden you're focused on other people and not yourself, which makes you a lot more present, which is very attractive to people makes you feel very approachable. And to kindness. It just it's like a it's like some sort of magic potion that you take that kind of lifts up your own mood. It's this feat again, it's a feed forward cycle, you do something nice for someone else, you feel good. That is reflected in all of your body language and your energy then all of a sudden someone wants to talk to you then you feel connected and on and on. And then you do it more and more and it can be such little things when you start looking. If you just go out in the world at a coffee shop, you could find 10 things you could pick up someone the person's coffee behind you. People are dropping shit at coffee shops all the time. You just help them pick it up, hold the door for somebody compliment it compliment their outfit or their or, or it's something that you like love your hair and stuff like that, especially for dudes, I don't know, we don't typically do that, that seems to be more of a female aspect. From my perspective, they seem easier. Just be like I love your shoes, or that was really nice you are, let me help with that I think you open yourself up to one random acts of kindness is my favorite connection tool, because it kind of speaks to what you're talking about. And it's crisis before cycle. And then here, let me get to take on my second favorite tool, which is going to seem out of left field, I actually think competence is a huge tool for connection. And let me explain why competence, just getting really, really good at something, anything. And it's sort of the same logic behind random acts of kindness, one, it gets you out of your own head, I think that's the biggest deficit we have is we're especially when we're inside we're behind the screen. So often, if you can focus on something outside yourself, your energy is going to shift, you're going to be a lot more approachable. Second thing, it gets you into something an activity that other people might share, like you do with business, like you do with podcasting, you meet people all the time, do the work that you do. And as you get good, more people hear about you, and you connect with even more people. So I actually think competence is a really cool way to just get yourself out of your own head, get yourself out into the world, focus on something outside of yourself. And then also what happens when you get really, really competent, really, really good at something, you feel really confident, which is the sexiest thing to other humans in the entire world. So when you get good at something, you just have this confident, call it, it's not a great to not work, not a great phrase, but confident leakage into another areas, when you're really good at something in your life. You carry that confidence into other areas of your life. So trying to get more creative. I've talked a ton about some of this in the book, but I'm trying to get more creative with the tools that aren't stuff like that just make people feel so uncomfortable that they're just not going to do it. Like if you make people do crazy challenges, wear crazy outfits, say ridiculous things to get attention. Not everybody loves posting on social media, like find something that in your world, whatever you do random acts of kindness, you can always find something if you're looking for it, and competence just to get you out of your own head good at something and then it kind of multiplies from there. Does that resonate with you? You're like, nah, it has nothing to do with connection?

Jade  37:20 

No, I think it resonates. I actually think it resonates a lot. And yeah, I don't know that I can I really, I really, really like that idea. Because it speaks to the Learn teach love type framework, right? It's like, you learn something, you become competent with it, then you want to begin to teach and that's to me, that's one of the beginnings. You know, the idea of learn, teach love. To me learning is a connection tool. Right? You know, so you know, if you if you learn from someone and someone teaches you, you immediately have a bond there and there's always people to learn from. And then as you develop competence, and you begin teaching, there's always someone to teach these are, you know, part of how we connect. And of course, the love part is always I don't even know I don't want to change the word love I just think love is so many connotations wrapped up in like parental connections or romantic connections and stuff. But when I use the term love of fellow man, I really mean creating, for our fellow humans, like it's really my way of looking at love, the best way to love the world is to create something of value that other people can use in the world. So I think what you're speaking to there is the teach part, the learn and teach part. And to me on a yes, that's a critical place where we humans can connect. And one thing I'll say about here in the in the love part, this is the part that again, you and I've had a lot of conversations while you're here, but one of the things I oftentimes say, and maybe people don't understand it, but I'm just like there's not there's not enough people in the world anymore from my perspective, who are willing to take it on the chin, like and what I mean by that is my mom is willing to take it on the chin like in other words, if someone's rude to her, she's willing to put that aside and, and give them the benefit of the doubt, which is a form of taking it on the chin. Right. Another form of taking it on the chin is where I'm going to pick up other people's, you know, sort of trash and what I mean by that is like, you know, here's the way I look at it, I see two examples in my life. I've had this nice coffee shop down the waist at sometimes I go in there and baristas are funny because when they're busy, sometimes they can be incredibly kind, but other times they can be pretty you know, pretty much you know, like they they're easily influenced I think by you know who people who are hurried or things or they get the drinks wrong and people can be rude. And so what I like to do We'll go into these environments and essentially go I'm gonna take one on the chin that baristas brewed. She's, you know, she or he is, you know, being short or whatever. And I'm just going to give a compliment or do something Connor leave an extra big tip, right? I love, I love doing that kind of stuff. Because it essentially, is a connection. It's a connection piece for me. And I want to see if you think it is too, because I just got that makes me feel more connected to the world. Now whether or not they even notice it, I'm convinced it's the same way if you smile to a stranger on the street. And this happens a lot, you know, I do this a lot. So that, you know, when I walk around a walk on the Greenway, and things like that smile, try to make eye contact and smile with people. And what you'll find is, you know, about me, I don't know, maybe half the people will smile back. And there's a significant percentage that won't. And they just kind of walk, you know, sort of right by you. And I always just go, I know, they felt that. And I know, they're going to be more likely to smile at somebody else. And I think that is taking it on the chin, it's basically showing up in the environment going, I'm gonna set an intention to make the world that I touched today, a better place to be through making people feel connected. And then I will feel connected. Instead of being like, I really want people to make me feel connected. So that I feel connected, I actually go no, it's the other way around, you go out and start making people feel like they're not in the world alone in very simple ways. And there's always something to find about somebody's appearance, there's always a way to smile, there's just eye contact, there's always things. There are millions, that they're infinite, they're literally infinite once you start looking to connect with people and make comments and just spread goodwill. And to me that's taking it on the chin without the need for them to smile back with no, they don't need to reciprocate. They don't need to do anything else. One of one of my favorite things to do is when I'm getting bad service at a restaurant, and the people are just everything's crazy. And I'll just leave a huge tip. Now luckily, I can do this. Now. Not everyone can I mean, I've been lucky with money over the last few years. So I can leave like a really big tip or tip that would snap them out of where they're at. And it goes to me I go that is what we should be doing. But we don't have to leave money. Like honestly, money is just what I do sometimes. But it's even better to just give people you know, some love a thank you for doing what you're doing in the world.

Danny  42:36 

Yeah, like I love the phrase taking it on the chin because it implies that it's unconditional. You're not looking for anything in return. I think that's a key component. And I will say it's hard. It can be hard. I think that story right there might it might have really just horrified some people some terrible service and you left a big tip No way, Jade. So I think I definitely agree with that, that it starts with sort of an unconditional, unconditional mindset. on your end. What are what are some of your other favorite tools? Just to, I think a hard part with for a lot of people is it just meeting people? I think we just go through our routines and especially work from home I think for a lot of basically from the 50s through the 90s most people formed the romantic relationships, their friendships through work, which makes sense, you're there eight to 10 to 12 hours a day with the same people. It's sort of this forced relationship like high school is a force relationship, you're in the same classroom of people, eventually, you're going to break through with someone. So when as work becomes more remote, as people get more into the routines as they're waiting in line at the coffee shop and just staring at their phone. They say Hey, it's me, too. I do this as well. What are some of your other tools just to just to meet people, man, how give me a chance to make some friends give me a chance to form a romantic relationship. I'm sick of these, these apps like that you swipe I'm sick of these. These, like gimme tactics, like take an art class or a cooking class that that stuff doesn't seem to work. So what does work? In your opinion?

Jade  44:08 

Yeah, well, to me the best way, let's just do it with conversation, then you'll see to me, the people who connect the easiest in conversation are looking for points of conversion, right where it's just like, oh, you went to Paris. I love France. I love nice, you know what I mean? And then all of a sudden you find this point where you're now talking about this, this thing? That's a commonality and you begin connecting over that thing. It even starts before that right? So I mentioned dogs, right? You know, if you had a dog, this Why'd love dogs because people who liked dogs now if you don't like dogs, there's other ways to do this. But if I see someone with a dog now because I have a dog, I will be like, Oh my god, how's your dog? You know, you know, I have a little pomsky you know, you know what, what breed is that? You know, and you start connecting with people. And even if it's just that brief conversation, it's a it's sort of a connection point. And if you're at the coffee shop, right, it's easy to kind of be like, Oh, that looks so good. What is that? You know, like, I usually get this, this this drink? What is that? Like, you know, what, what are you normally get and, and, you know, even with the barista, like, what's the most popular drink, like, you know, what's the drink you like, you know, to make and you're basically wherever you are, you're just trying to find things that you're genuinely interested in. So this is why you don't fake it, there's just going to be things you're genuinely interested in. Like, if you're a lover of coffee, then you talk about coffee with people, they're all in the same place. They all love coffee, they're all at the coffee shop, they all love their different drinks, they all love, you know, coffee, and there's opportunities and openings to connect with people. Same thing with people, you know, outside walking on the Greenway, you know, it's just like, it's a beautiful day, you know, like, you know, you just find ways to connect. And then once you begin talking to people, this is the part that that really blows my mind. I know, it blows your mind too, because we have several friends amongst the our group that really sometimes get this very wrongly, they'll get in the conversation and they will, someone will say something, and they will almost take the opposite contrarian point of view. And what you and I tend to do is we tend to go, Oh, that's interesting. And if we don't agree with it, we're not really going to comment on it, we're going to look for another angle of agreement. And I think that that's ultimately what it is, I think too often what people want to do, is they want to get into disagreements right off the bat with people they've just met, especially on social media, when to me, a disagreement is best among someone who is trusted, because then it turns into not a disagreement, but just a debate, and then you learn from it. And so from my perspective, you want to learn from people first. And here's how it would work on social media. By the way, when you're at your best when someone's being combative or contrarian, you simply just ask questions, right? You just began to ask questions is an easy way to begin to connect without being combative. Oh, that's interesting. You feel that way. And they start telling their story a little bit and start telling their story. And what you'll find is just like when you're watching, you know, a show, I think you and I were discussing this last night, do the shows where it's a show about a murderer or something. But the more you get into that character, you can find something even with this evil person, you can relate to them in some way. I think that ultimately, that's what we need to be doing. We need to realize the openings of how to relate from a genuine sense of what we're interested in. And then we need to look at the angles of how to we continue to ask questions until we find that point that we are genuinely interested in and that we want to hear about you and I definitely do this we love people stories. Unlike you I hate when someone tells me about the weather or hate someone tells me about a show they saw or what was the other one we're talking about. I can't stand when someone tells me about their dream, or you know, got this video, check out this video or I work with this dude, Bob who did who I don't know, Bob, I'm more interested in their suffering. And I actually think this is the this is the most powerful way to connect. There's one thing we know that all of us humans deal with, and that is pain, hardships suffering. And to me, those are the stories I'm interested in. And by the way, those are the stories most people want to tell what people want most is belonging and acceptance to matter and to make a difference. And within their stories. Those stories teach, stories teach. And so I want to hear people's stories of pain and stories of triumph and stories of resilience, stories of hardship, and how they're coping. And then I want to essentially say to them, because I genuinely mean it. Like, I don't know how you're doing that, like, that's absolutely amazing. Or, you know what, you're only human like, I have done the same thing and will something magical happens when you connect on that level. Like, you know, we're talking about politics, like if you hate liberals, or you hate conservatives, which I think is just a bizarre idea that you could hate a whole group of people when you don't, these are individuals, you know what I mean? Unless you talk to them and hear their story of suffering. You just go there just like me. And that's how you got to come from that place of we are all team human. We are all one family. If you can't get there, then you're never going to connect.

Danny  49:36 

Yeah, I always say that commonalities connect us, which is exactly what you're saying. Start with something that you both share. You can all you can find something with anybody. I mean, just to your point, just on the basis of being a human being, that we all share suffering. We all have a past we all have struggles, just on the basis of being a human being there is something and I always say that it is your job. Have I got this from somewhere? I'm sure it's your job to find something in the other person, not their job to show you by asking questions by looking into them. And there's a really, I think, you know, as you were talking, something kind of hit me about, you know, it's easy for us to say, because I think we are kind of like this to just be like, compliment somebody or reach out or just try to find some connection. And I think a lot of people might say, and I'm just making an assumption that like, I don't know, man, people don't want to be bothered, people don't I don't, I don't think like they got their stuff like I don't want to bother. I don't want to impose like, I don't want to distract them like, they're, they're on a mission. And what's interesting, this is a study I came across recently that I absolutely loved. They took a bunch of people who identified as introverts, and they put them on a bus in Chicago, and they said are you have to start small talk with somebody and compliment their shoes, they went through all the stuff we're talking about, say something nice, do something, ask them a question, where are you from anything you have to engage though. And before the study, all these introverts go, I'm gonna hate this, this is gonna suck, this is gonna be miserable. I'm glad they're paying me. After the study, every single participant, improved mood felt better, increased confidence, had a lot more fun on the bus. So it's interesting that even introverts actually do well with these little tricks that we're talking about. Because we're all human. And this feels good to all of us. It's a foundational piece of just who we are, as human beings, we need to connect, even if you identify as an introvert. And I think it's just important to mention that actually, most people want you to ask about them, even people who look busy or look distracted or look focus. They want to be seen. They would love to, they love to talk, in my experience. I haven't met someone who doesn't love to talk, even quiet people, you get them going on the right topic, and they won't shut up. And they love to talk, they love to talk about themselves. It's an incredibly human thing. So I guess I would just round that thought out is don't assume that people are just there. They're a nasty person. They're in a nasty mood. They don't want to hear from me, because actually, most people most of the time, do they do want to be asked a question they do want to be seen, they do want to interact, they will look just like you they would love to not feel lonely, even for just a minute on a bus in Chicago. So I think that's really important to get across is that actually most people liked this stuff.

Jade  52:23 

Yeah, you know what, you know what that makes me think of? And this is just something I just, I'm just curious what you all listeners think of this, and I'm curious what you think it is Danny, but like, from my perspective, there's this interesting aspect of humans where we, like if we see somebody who's angry or something like that, right. And, and, and being angry, we go, our first thing is they're an asshole, or they're being and what we don't understand is, I think, and this is incredibly hard to do, by the way, but I want to hear what you all think about this. For me, I go, why are they acting this way? What are they actually angry about? If someone's that angry, especially on social media, or especially with people? They don't know that? Well, it's obviously not about that. Like sometimes I put a post up personally. And someone reacts, who obviously I don't know. And they react so angrily and I'm like, obviously, whatever, they're angry at her hurting overhead is not this post, this post just elicited this story. And it's very hard to do. But my whole thing is, I wonder, and I've been able to do this at times. And other times, I haven't, you know, so I would say I'm probably 30% successful, and 70%, I get a base level back. Because it's so hard when someone's being a dick to go, navy, they just need to be heard, maybe I just need and the times where I just start asking them questions or start saying that's really, I can understand that, like, tell me what you're mad at. Like, it often turns and you start realizing these people become, you know, all of a sudden, you can see the angel in them come out right away when you give them sort of the benefit of the doubt there. But it's so, so difficult to do that. And I would say that that's what I guess what I'm trying to say is that a true next level human, which I fail at this all the time, but if we really were going to aspire to that, wouldn't it be interesting if we took on as one of our little P purposes in the world to just be like, you know, whenever I see someone being nasty on social media, let's say I am going to make it a point to give them a compliment or two in the most genuine way I can and if I can't at least just ask them questions and let them be heard, you know, and let them be instead of pushing back because what we normally would do is we will needle it right we'll be like we'll do a little sarcasm or a little like, you know, thing that needles it further, instead of going in the other direction and the other direction is always this. It's really all you have to do echo what they're saying. Right? Like literally just say sounds like you're saying x, y, z. And then next is give a little compassion and empathy, which is simply saying I can understand how if you see it that way, that would be really hard. That's all you have to actually say, to open up connection with people who are struggling and being a massless. And it won't always be, if two things happen here, I think one, you'll oftentimes immediately see their angel come out to what you'll see is they may imagine if we were all doing that, and they were getting that from everyone that it forces them to see that they're the problem. Like they're the ones who are the problem. And I really feel like that would be a beautiful world if we could do that a beautiful way to connect with people. But it's incredibly difficult to do certainly, certainly is for me, but I am aware of it.

Danny  55:54 

Yeah, that's a great actual, just conversational tactic. I think that's another thing that gets people held up. So like, oh, am I gonna say this person? I'm on the say, or, I don't know, what am I supposed to say? But you just said actually, it doesn't just work for trolls. It works for everyday people. If you build this habit of just reflecting back shit, the people that they said, it helps them feel heard and understood. And it also helps them clarify their own thoughts and language. So what's interesting is if you do that, the exact method you just mentioned, for trolls, just with the everyday people in your life, just reflect it back to him. And then they have to kind of reshape their thought and like, no, not exactly, but this is what I'm saying. Is that okay, so you're saying this, they go? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. So they feel heard and understood. But what's interesting something about the brain is they feel so good about talking and clarifying their own thought and they credit you that's why it’s kind of the thing. Everybody keeps visiting you man, I told you this last night, I was kind of just working through something out loud. It was just nice to have someone that's non-judgmental. Someone who can reflect it back to me so I can know and that's not exactly what I mean. And it makes me a better conversationalist but then I leave here and give you credit for it right it's go wow, that was such a great time with Jay to feel so good I felt so hurt I didn't feel judged and I think that has accelerated everybody to self-inviting ourselves to your house for sure. And keep peace of connection. So I took it I took it to a different direction but I just thought that was a great tool to share. If you're just struggling to having conversations that's a great tool just repeat it back and last thing I'll say this I've done many times you don't even have to repeat the whole thing. So if someone just goes whatever they say take the last couple of words and repeat it back as a question and they will go on for hours so if you go they go yeah the weather was great you go weather was great. They go have just a sunny day and it was my favorite day I got out and went on a walk you went on a walk yeah walked a walk this new path by my house. It's great. I just love it so much you love it yeah, I just think exercise is different and on and on and on.

Jade  57:59 

I've done this and it's the same funny who was what tactic is that uh what was his name? He's on masterclass he does a course on masterclass as well. But he wrote a book called God I forget, but he's great. I just remember her. I mean, I heard that from him. I don't know where you got it from. But I have done that. And it's really just asking the question back and an inflection just making a statement and putting that question inflection into your voice. And people go on and on and on and on and on and talk