How to Be a Good Lover- Episode 45

This one is for my guys out there! By no means am I declaring to be the king of romance, but I have some single mother friends in my life that have posed some unique questions around sex health especially as young men are coming of age. I want to break some of the taboos and provide a better, more scientific resource for you as well as these incredible women in my life.

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Jade:    [01:17] Ok, what’s up everybody? Welcome to the show. Today is going to be a challenging, awkward, embarrassing, and probably fun for both of us, episode. Let me tell you where this episode comes from. Essentially, what we’re going to be talking about today is how to be a good lover, and this is especially for men. So, the women will get a little bit of a kick out of this, and of course, this is challenging because this is, obviously, person specific. Certainly, by no stretch of the imagination am I saying I am a good lover. That would be… pretentious as hell, number one, and then number two, it’s certainly going to be specific to the individual. I’m sure there’s people who think I was rubbish in bed and others who thought I was wonderful in bed. But, the point of this, and the reason I’m doing this episode, is because, really, for two specific friends that have – both of them – have teenage boys who are 18, 19 years old, one of them 15 years old, I believe; and they’re getting questions, or asking me, these moms, about hey, these kids are beginning to talk about sex, and they’re getting all their information from porn. I know you did a lot of research and are always posting on this. Would you do something on this? And I was putting it off, putting it off, but when it comes up enough times, I was like, “You know what? Of course.” The idea here is that I actually have immersed myself very deeply in this, and I want to tell you a little bit about that. First, because obviously, the question is, “Jade, why are you even talking about this?” It’s one of these things that I believe very strongly that we have some weird taboos around sexuality, and because we have these taboos no one talks about this kind of stuff.

            [03:03] And because no one talks about it, we’re getting this information, hence people going to… looking at porn and thinking that is what being a good lover is all about if they have no real experience here. So, this is essentially a resource for everyone, but primarily thinking about young men who… teenagers, who their mothers are wanting – these are single moms, by the way, no longer involved with a man in their life – and they want to, essentially, put in some things into their kids’ mind and be able to hand these boys something vs. them trying to wade through this themselves. Let me tell you where the information we’re going to go through comes from, by the way. One of the things that I did, and that I’ve done for a long time, after my first breakup at the age of 18 years old, I have been relentless in my pursuit about why people fall in love, why breakups happen, why do we get attached, why do we go through heartbreak, how do we connect sexually, what do men and women like – all of these kind of things. Of course, this has followed me throughout my career, and when I went through my affair and my divorce, I actually did a very deep dive into this, into the research, and I have 2,000 data points. One of my most favorite things that I did is I did a survey where I collected over 2,000 responses from women mainly – there was a separate one for men – but these would be over 2,000 women answering questions about preferences around sexuality, as well as diving very deep into some of the science around women and how they are different sexually. One of my favorite books on this is a book called Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. One of the things she talks about is this idea that up until very recently in the research and in discussions about female sexuality, female sexuality has been seen as mainly just male light. That there’s basically, they’re like men, just not as into sex, basically, or that they’re just slightly different – when the truth is women are very different, and there are some very big things that we can pull out of this. Now, full disclosure here, I’m talking about heterosexual, male-female relationships here. Part of the reason I’m doing that is because we don’t know a whole lot about the other realms. This is what the research is focused on, and this is certainly what my research focused on. So, let’s get into this topic. First of all, one of the things that I think most men need to realize, and women too, is that men and women come after sex, or come to sex, in very different ways. Typically – and, of course, we’re going to be making gross generalizations here, which is very tricky. Let me say something about generalizations first, just so we understand when we’re making generalizations. We can generally say that men are taller than women on average, right?

[06:01] But each individual woman compared to each individual man, it depends. Certainly, there are women who are 6 feet and men who are 5 feet, so those two, the woman would be taller than the man; but on average, male height is about 5’9”-5’10” and on average, female height is about 5’5”. So, certainly, there are going to be women out of the average who are much taller than men, women who are 6 feet, and men out of the average who are much shorter than women. So, you can certainly technically have a 6’ woman with a 5’7” man. This is what we mean by generalizations, so I’m going to be making generalizations, but this does not mean that all women are this way. Some women look at sex very similar, and deal with sex, and are very promiscuous, and do some of the things that are typically seen as male dominated things in the bedroom. But we’re talking about averages here, and that’s what research is. It’s a tool of averages. Same with when you look at surveys and things like that; they’re getting averages. So, I’m going to be speaking about averages. Averages work great because most people will fit into this; but we have to realize not everyone will. So, just take this with a grain of salt when you’re listening to what I’m saying here. The first thing, generally - if we’re going to take averages and make generalizations about men and women - is to realize that they come after sex and romance very differently. Men are very physically driven at first, so they respond to physical cues mostly. The way a woman looks, her hourglass silhouette, you know, breasts, and butt, and this kind of thing. So, men are relating to women very much like this in general. Now, it’s not that women don’t relate this way. It’s just that they relate more on a psychological realm. It’s also not that men don’t relate on a psychological realm, it’s just that they’re mostly physical. So, in general, we can say men come at this from a physical point of view first, and then they go into the psychological realm. Whereas women come after this from a psychological realm first, and then they get into the physical. One of the ways I’ve heard this described and I really liked it, is that men are often times looking for a sex object, and women are often times looking for a success object. In other words, this is just a succinct way of saying men go physical first, then they decide about their emotional connection to women; whereas women often times go emotional/psychological first, then they decide about whether they want to be romantically sexually involved with a man. This is one of the first lessons about being a good lover as a man, is to realize that how you behave outside of the bedroom is every bit as important to a woman as what you’re doing inside of the bedroom. That might be different for a man, right? Where a man may not be looking at that stuff until later. He’s coming at it more from a sexual point of view. This means authenticity, being impassioned, and having purpose as a man becomes a very potent sexual stimulator for women.

[09:06] It’s the they that they are responding to. They’re responding to success and power. By the way, this is not about this old, stupid idea that women are money hungry kind of thing. It’s more that, if we look at from an evolutionary standpoint, women are looking for confidence. They’re looking for men who can, essentially, provide. In a sense, when we look at people who we want to be romantically involved with, whether we realize it or not, we’re evaluating them on whether we’re attracted to them and whether or not they are actually… good parent figures in a sense. The lover, our lovers, are simultaneously sex objects in a sense, but also friends and kind of parents, in a way. We lean on them very deeply in this regard. I also want to briefly talk a little bit about a distinction between a lover, which is someone you revisit sexually; you have a deep sexual recurring relationship with – vs. a one-night stand, which are two different things. We may go seek one-night stands. Men typically do this more than women do for very different reasons. So, this is not about how to be good at a one-night stand. This is about how to please your lover and make a difference in that regard. The first thing we want to say is how do you show up outside of the bedroom that will make women crave you, in a sense, as a man. Ultimately, what this comes down to is really authenticity, passion, and purpose. In other words, women want to see that you are who you say you are, that you are doing your 4 jobs in a way that is… useful and productive and can provide. In a sense, they’re looking at would you make a good parent to their kids. Whether or not they want kids at all, or even looking at you in that regard, they still want to see that. When I say the 4 jobs, I essentially mean – and by the way, men do this to women too – it’s essentially evaluating people on how well they’re doing their 4 jobs in finance, in health and fitness, in personal relationships, and in purpose and meaning. So, when a woman is evaluating a man, she’s going psychological first. She’s looking at these 4 jobs first, and then she simultaneously looking at are they attractive, and do I feel chemical sort of oomph towards this person. But she’s really looking at this as, personal relationship-wise, are they going to be cool around my friends; do I like who they are; are they confident and charismatic and will my friends like them. She’s looking at it like do they have purpose and passion in their life. It’s one of the reasons why women tend to really fall for these very passionate artists and people who chase their dreams, and things like that. Are they authentic? In other words, are they owning completely who they are? So, in a sense, a man who is rich and wealthy and powerful and successful who’s not actually in a position where they are real and being authentic is probably less attractive to your average woman than a man who is owning his authenticity, is 100% who he is, but maybe doesn’t have money.

[12:13] It’s not always the success and power aspects of things. Then, of course, the health and fitness job, and the finance job, are both ways that women evaluate in terms of success, in terms of power, in terms of is this person someone who can provide, is going to be around, is useful in that way. This is one of the things that I think is important for men to understand. Women smell neediness from a mile away, and they also smell fakers from a mile away. And no matter how good looking this man may be, if he is a faker, or if he is needy, women will often times be turned off by that and not want to be sexually engaged with this person. This is very important because it goes into being a good lover. When a woman is often times looking at us, men might see a woman walk across the room in her panties and bra and get excited by that; be like, baby, I want you, right? Well, a woman often times will respond more when she sees you on stage speaking or engaged with people doing your thing and sees you showing up in the world as a powerful, productive, authentic male. She is often times more turned on by that than seeing you with your shirt off standing there in the morning, and this is a lot of times what men don’t understand about how women relate to sex. Now, there’s a couple other things here that I think are important to understand. There’s sort of a dance that happens with lovers as you first meet. Part of it is, first, sexual curiosity. A male and female see each other and they might be sexually curious about that person. Men typically relate to this more, and do this more, where they’ll kind of be like, ooh, she’s attractive, and so, they will imagine maybe what she looks like naked or what it would be like sleeping with her. Whereas a woman may see a person and go, oh, he’s attractive, and maybe go I wonder what he’s like to be with in a relationship. This is very interesting how women and men will kind of see this differently. Now, of course, this is average, this is not always. There’s certainly women who will look at men and just be like, I just want to jump this guy’s bones and that’s all it’s about for me, but we’re talking about in general. Now, one of the things is about curiosity is that you have to be sort of careful here, because often times in today’s day and age, people will go skip right from curiosity right into bed, and there’s this dance that happens, this build up if you take your time with this that is really useful for women. Often times, one of the big mistakes that men make is they go from sexually curious to wanting to just jump right in the bed, and not realizing that becoming a good lover is sort of riding this game a little bit and letting the woman experience them and their personality, and let them fall in love with the psychology of the man.

[15:01] This is one of the reasons why we talk about deep conversations, and women often times will talk about deep conversations - where a man may not need to have a deep conversation with a woman to feel attracted to her, deep conversation for women feels very intimate. That sexual curiosity then just goes over into sexual connection. So, men often times go curiosity right to connection, and then they want to see about chemistry. I kind of think of this as the 3 Cs, where women go, well, let me be curious for a while about this person, let me see; and then let me see if I can connect to him. And for them, it’s connecting in terms of I want to kind of be close to him, I want to feel out his brain, I want to hear him talk, I want to see what he’s about. Then, it’s also finally about chemistry, and that’s about pheromones and actual kissing and the actual beginning of the physical touch. And men often times want to go like, yeah, I’m curious, they skip right over the sexual connection piece and go right into chemistry, like let me kiss you, let me touch you, that kind of thing, and they miss this part in the middle that’s super important for women. As men, one of the things that I think you need to be aware of, or we need to be aware of, is this idea that yes, ok, once we have that sexual curiosity, that little spark, I wonder what she’s like, then we want to spend time connecting. Even though that might not be our natural way, we want to go – we can go right to chemistry – it’s her natural way often times, and the conversation, and the dating, and all of this kind of stuff is useful in that regard. And also taking your time – letting her really get to know you in that sense so that by the time the chemistry comes, she’s connected to you. You might feel that chemistry kick right away, but she needs more time with that, and it’s very, very important. You can kind of think of this as psychological foreplay leading up to the actual physical foreplay, which is also very important for women in a lover. By the way, once you have sex with a woman, that continues, that game continues. You want to continue with the curiosity, and the connection, and build on that chemistry because, of course, we know that we’re talking about lovers here; and lovers are people who get to know each other over time. A good lover will actually have the sex be getting better and better as time goes along, and not worse and worse. And this is kind of what happens in this way of thinking about porn – oh, I’m just gonna, you know, flip you over, ram my body into you a few times, and it’s going to be this fast and furious thing, and that’s going to be sexy. That might be sexy to a dude; that’s not going to be what most women want, rarely. What most women want, if they’re looking for a lover, is they’re going to want someone to connect with them, and then ease into the chemistry part of this. So, once in the bedroom, this is, you know, the idea of courtship and dating, and once you’re in the bedroom with a woman, women say this very, very clearly – and actually, for the women listening to this, I have some tidbits for you on this too with men – is that the research shows this when you look at what women tend to want in sex, and it also… women say this to me all the time, and this survey that I did was very clear on this – women typically need more foreplay.

[18:21] They typically want things to be slow. They want much more touching and kissing than men typically will do. What I mean by that is like, touching – not just, you know, I’m touching the breasts and the butt and all that kind of stuff – but touching the body. You know, the back, scratching the back, rubbing the back, long, slow kisses… really exploring the woman’s body before you just get your finger in her or penetrate her. It’s really about getting her to the point to have this sensation of full body touch. Women love this idea of foreplay that kind of gets them going. Now, of course, the first time you’re with a woman, it’s really about exploring her, and the two of your exploring together. You can’t figure out exactly what someone likes in one time, and so, that’s the idea of going slow. It’s feeling it out. You don’t want to be putting on an act. You don’t want to be like, oh, well, here’s my repertoire of moves. What you kind of want to do is be like, let me touch you, let me feel you, let me go slow, let me be soft, let me feel, let me connect, let me touch, let me tease, let me take this process very, very slowly and feel this out, and let her guide you. I mean, in the end, women are the controllers of the sexual realm. Essentially, one good rule of thumb that I think women have taught me, and talk a lot about, is like, you’ll know when I’m ready for you by my actions, by the way I’m leaning into you, or the way I’m thrusting up into to you, or the way my breath picks up, or the way I’m looking at you. You have to get very intuitive, and you can’t get intuitive and feeling unless you take your time. Most men want to rush this entire process so fast that they never actually get to read these signals off their women because they’re so in their own head and so like, let me get to the next stage; ok, I kissed her, now let me touch her tits; now I’ve touched her tits, now let me touch her… pussy, now let me do the next thing, now let me penetrate her. This is the way that men typically do. It’s rush, rush, rush to the end. Really, what you want to be doing is let me just caress her, smell her, touch her, taste her, really just feel all of that and let it be that. And sometimes, it’s best to leave it be right there, instead of being like I have to go all the way. Sometimes that can be the best, most pleasurable thing. One of the other things that I think a lot of men miss is this idea of just jumping right to penetration, instead of realizing that what you really want to do is you want to become expert with your hands and your fingers.

[21:10] One of the interesting things that we know about women, and from the research, is that most women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Most women do not orgasm through vaginal penetration. So, if you want to please a woman, basically what you want to do is you want to be thinking about paying a lot of attention to the clitoris. So, that means touching, that means stroking, that means using your mouth, that means lots of clitoral stimulation, and gentle clitoral stimulation. Think about a woman playing with you and your penis. If she just grabbed it and started yanking on it, and pulling it all over the place and treating it like it was a stick shift, you’d be like c’mon, what are you doing, right? The idea here is to go slow, and to use your hands and become an expert with your hands. Then, become an expert with your mouth, and then, become an expert with your penis. To me, it’s this 3 part process that women often times talk about. Imagine what you can do as a lover if you can get your lover off with your fingers and with your mouth, and if you’re lucky, with your penis. This is the kind of thing that you should be thinking about. One of the things that came up in my survey, by the way, with women, was this idea of men – it came up over and over and over again, and it made me just be aware myself, and it also just made me want to shout this to the rooftops, to every man that I am involved with, all my friends – and that is this idea of a selfish lover, that it comes up over and over and over again. “I’m tired of men who are selfish lovers,” “I don’t want a selfish lover,” “The worst thing you can be is a selfish lover.” By that, what they mean is men who just want to get in, come, and then they’re essentially done, so they make sex all about their pleasure. This is something that’s really interesting for women, because women are very selfless in bed typically. They manage all the orgasms. They manage yours, they want you to feel good. They also manage their own because they want you to feel successful. Often times, they’ll even fake an orgasm just to make you, the man, feel good about this. And they really appreciate a man who wants to please them. So, one rule is to always come second, to always get your woman to that place first, if possible. Now, that’s not always possible with women, and it’s rarely possible for most women the first time being with a man, because that woman is going to not necessarily be familiar with you and maybe a little bit nervous. So, you want to make this playful and fun, and slow, and sensual, and all of that kind of stuff. Now, I know some people are like, well, that’s interesting, because what about the whole idea of fucking?

[24:00] Isn’t that fun at times? Sure. But when you’re looking at a lover, first, you need to connect. First, you need to know them. Then, that can become fun in the end when you really know each other and what each other like. And that’s an important aspect of this. To me, that’s one of the things you want to do – slow down is rule #1. Really touch, really explore, learn to use your fingers, learn to use your mouth, first and foremost. That’s your best chance of pleasing a woman, and you want to make sure she’s pleased first. The other thing about this that I hear from women a lot, is that not trying to solve the whole equation in one lovemaking session. It’s not like, you’re not gonna like, you know, be like, do you like this, do you like that, what about this, what about that. Often times, that comes after the fact. That’s great pillow talk. That’s great for afterwards where you get to sit and kind of debrief in a sense. I love that you liked that, or I love that you talk to me like that. And if you’re listening, often times people will tell you exactly what they like; but often times, those discussions are best to have after the fact. Often times, the first sort of interaction with someone is this feeling out process. It’s just being very present with someone, and being intuitive, and really thinking – or not thinking so much about it – instead, being connected and deeply in touch with the person you’re with, and not trying to jump into a porn scene. Instead, just be with each other, and slowly but surely, that comfort level turns into wonderful sex. Which, again, goes back to what I said in the beginning – you want to really understand the curiosity process and the connection process before you get into the chemistry process, because being sexually curious and then sexually connected leads to great chemistry in bed. And this is how – and by the way – it even does for us guys as well. One of the tidbits I’ll give to women, when you get to an older guy, like myself – now I’m 45 – for me, where I may not have needed foreplay as much, or even thought about foreplay as much when I was a young man, now I love it; and a lot of the older guys I am friends with often times talk about that. We now need a little bit more foreplay than we may have needed or wanted when we were younger. Often times, women don’t understand this either. This slow process serves both men and women in the end. And if you want to drive a man crazy, even a younger man, it’s that anticipation phase, it’s the teasing factor, it’s all of that that men will really get into. By the way, you men, think about that. Women want that too. So, imagine being in a position maybe where you say, I am going to just please her until she essentially is wanting me and I know she wants me, and maybe she’s like c’mon, please, like now. In a sense, you’re sort of waiting for that moment where the intensity builds where you know it’s just right.

[27:03] And you will sort of find this process over time, but that’s what a beautiful sexual experience is like. I think that’s an important piece to understand. Now, I’ll just give you a couple things from the research that I think men need to understand. By the way, most of this, what we’re going to cover now, is coming from Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are. One of the things that you have to understand about women is that they don’t rev up like a man. It’s not a linear like, now I’m erect, now I’m ejaculating, now I’m having an orgasm. Like men, it’s pretty much from start to finish, it’s very linear, it’s very predictable. Most men, once they get going, you stimulate them enough, you are going to bring them to orgasm. That’s like, right away. As a matter of fact, when you look at orgasm related to men and women, what you see is right around 15 years old, 90-some plus percent of men will, it’s basically straight from stimulation to orgasm. With women, it’s really interesting, because they slowly start to have increasing orgasms as they age and they start hitting their mid-30s. That’s when women start to peak in orgasmic sort of intensity. And most women, still, there’s a pretty sizeable amount of women who doesn’t orgasm, and very few women orgasm – about 30% of women can orgasm through penetration, and even that is unpredictable. So, you have a wide range for women in terms of their ability to orgasm. This isn’t about you men doing something wrong; it’s more just about the way the female is built vs. the man. One thing that they may have harder time getting there, or maybe don’t get there as frequently, but one other thing that they do have that a lot of men don’t have – actually, there are some men that do have the ability – to have multiple orgasms, or have a very short refractory period. Women tend to be able to have a very low refractory period, and some of them can orgasm multiple times. But it’s very different, right? This idea of this porn world where women are just coming all the time no matter what, and squirting everywhere, and just – this is not real life, just as like you don’t have these huge penises that show up in the porn world. That’s not, your average man is not built like that. So, you need to kind of look at this in a realistic way. Porn is one of these things that can be erotic and can be fun, to some degree, for some people, but it’s also not necessarily real. That kind of sex may look fun for us men, but it’s often not fun for women to just be pounded by a big penis over and over and over again instead of being connected with that woman. That is something that when you have a good lover, it’s sort of like you know when you walk in the room, and there’s going to be the occasional time where your girl’s washing dishes and you come behind her and just take her, and she’s going to like that and want that because you know how to be with her.

[30:00] But most of the time, it’s going to be – to get to that point, it’s going to be trusted, sensual, connected sex that gets you to that experience with your woman. I think that’s very important to understand. One of the other tidbits you can kind of understand about women, is that men are often times – again, this is a generalization – but men are often times very visual when they see a woman. They want the lights on, they want to see the woman’s body, that’s the kind of thing that can really do it for men. Women are often times a little bit more balanced in their sensations. They’re a little bit ore auditory, and so, they want to hear, and they want to sometimes be talked to, or whispered to, or touched in a particular way, and it’s not always visual for them. Certainly, it can be, but this another difference you want to think about. It’s often times sort of riding that understanding of what a woman likes, and I think it’s important that what we don’t do is bring our likes and dislikes into the bedroom and kinda say, well, here’s how I do it and you’re just going to, you know, sort of… replay old tactics from the time you were 15 years old. You know, it’s like, I just do sex this way. I think, as a man, and as women, and as lovers, part of the beautiful fun of the sexual experience is first getting to know someone well, connecting, and then being able to explore. One of the things that, when we look at the research, is two sort of ways of connecting sexually. One is what we call the hand and glove hypothesis, which is essentially anatomy. How does someone’s anatomy fit with someone else’s anatomy? And there’s all kinds of preferences around this, and all kinds of ways of being built. It’s funny, I once had a girl tell me, she goes, “You know, actually, my best lover was the lover with the smallest penis because he hit me right in the right spot.” This is things that you will hear from this. So, there is a fit that happens physically. More importantly though, there’s a fit that happens psychologically. So, do you psychologically fit up? Then there’s the intangible pheromones, and just the chemistry of the body, and the smells, and the tastes, and the sounds that your lover will light up in you. That often times develops slowly in a sexual relationship. These are the things that I think any many should be looking at and attentive to, and I think one of the things that you can do if you want more of this stuff – I actually have a course called Next Level Romance that goes into a lot more detail about sexuality, and sexual types, and knowing your sexual type, and knowing if you’re compatible with someone sexually. That’s something that you all may want to check out if you’re interested in at least the science behind this kind of stuff.

[33:00] But, we often times too want to be in a position where we learn and continue our education. Reading books on this stuff is important, and not just getting your education from porn. Emily Nagoski wrote that book, Come as You Are, for women. I think it’s 1,000% reading for men – it’s required reading for men. I think every man should go out and read that so they understand sort of female anatomy and the female brain and how it works a little different than a man. But I think if you want to be a great lover, what you want to be doing is, you want to be talking with women, especially your lover; but also just paying attention, and reading, and sort of understanding about how to please a woman vs. just getting off yourself. I think you also need to realize that porn is a fantasy world, and that’s not how sex typically goes down in the real world, nor is it going to be really great sex if you’re not connected to the person. So, again, there’s 2 different worlds here – we’re talking about a lover, someone you are with, who you can immerse yourself in, where you have multiple sexual encounters with. This is your girl. This is your lover. That’s very different than just some random hook-up, or a one time sort of thing. Even though I would say that still, these things that we’re talking about here, once you sort of understand this, you can even be a great lover in those situations as well, because you know. I’m going to end right there. I will talk to you all next time. I know this is a tricky, possibly embarrassing, but hopefully fun episode, and I hope you got some good tidbits that you can pass on or use yourself. Alright, be good everybody.