Be It Until You See It – Ep. 206

In this episode of Next Level Human Podcast, Dr. Jade discusses the concept of “be it until you see it”. In opposition to “fake it until you make it” when we start “being it” there is a great chance we will succeed at our goals. We will start being this new person we want to be. The concept of “fake it” on the other hand doesn’t work because the mind knows that we are trying to play some kind of trick on it.

This particular topic of the current self-development discussion also involves the things that happened to us in our lives up until this point; we can call them our “seed stories”. These seed stories will have a major role in the way we think, feel, and act. And, at the end of the day, the ways we think, feel, and act – if aligned – can transform us into this new person. Only by understating this idea in depth, we can achieve a future state.

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TRANSCRIPTION:

Next Level Human

Episode 206- Be it Until You See it.

Host: Dr. Jade Teta

Solo

Podcast Intro: [00:14] welcome to the Next Level Human Podcast. As a human, you have a job to do. In fact, you have four jobs; to earn and manage money, to attain and maintain health and fitness, to build and sustain personal relationships, to find meaning and make a difference. None of these jobs are taught in school and that is what this podcast is designed to do. To educate us all on living our most fulfilled lives through the mastery of these four jobs. I'm your host, Dr. Jade Teta and I believe we are here living this life for three reasons and three reasons only; to learn, to teach and to love. In this podcast, I will be learning, teaching, and loving right along with you. I'm grateful to have your company; here is to our next level.

Jade 1:18 

Welcome, everybody to today's show. Today, we are going to be talking about one of the more important concepts in self-development from my point of view, and I have a very unique take on this, and I'm doing this particular podcast. Well, I guess it'll be up to you to see if you think I have a unique take on this. But I get asked this a lot. I have a phrasing that I like to use. And it essentially goes like this. It's not faking until you may get it, be it until you see it. And oftentimes when I share this perspective, people want to know what exactly does that mean? What do you mean by be it until you see it? Versus fake it until you make it. Is it just a cutesy sort of catchphrase semantics? You know, just changing? You know the definition. So it can seem like you're being smart Jade, or is it a useful way to reframe and I would say it is the most useful way to reframe a very popular cultural mantra that I believe is completely wrong. And here is the way that I like to phrase these kinds of things. If you are working from a model that is broken, or incomplete, not quite accurate than how well do you think your results are actually going to be? They're not going to be that great, aren't they? This is also what I have attempted to do in the metabolism space. Going back to my very first book back in 2010, the metabolic effect diet the idea was it's not calories, only it's also hormones. Now at that time, the hook was more hey, it's hormones, not calories. Now most of you who listen to this podcast know I am far more nuanced than that. But in this case, fake it until you make it versus be it till you see it. I honestly think these are diametrically opposed. In fact, I think fake it till you make it is the exact wrong way to be dealing with this issue. Now in metabolism, certainly calories matter in hormones matter. But in self-development, fake it till you make it is absolutely wrong. In my opinion. I'm going to explain why I'm going to take this podcast episode to explain exactly why that is not just wrong, but very wrong and completely wrong for those of us who want to level up and change our lives. So first of all, let's talk and start this conversation at the level of being what does it actually mean to be something when I'm being something? What am I actually saying here? Well, from my perspective, you can think a thing and not do that thing, right? You can think appropriate thoughts and not do that the thing that you're thinking, now a lot of people would say, well, Jade, the law of attraction says that if you think something long enough, it will seep down into your subconscious and perhaps make a difference. And perhaps that is correct. Over time. However, I would argue it is incorrect at worst, and at best, very incomplete and naive. But the fact remains we know we can think a thing without taking action on a thing. We also could be doing something and be completely checked out and not being in focus and sort of present with the thing that we're doing. So we all know that we can think and not act. And we also, although it's much harder to act and not think we can do that, as well, in between acting and thinking, there's oftentimes this idea of feeling, right, sometimes we can even feel a particular way, and not understand whether there was any thought associated with that. And or there was no action associated with that. In other words, sometimes nothing has happened. But we can feel depressed or anxious. And sometimes we cannot be in congruence, see or in recognition or conscious of a particular thought, yet feel a particular thing. So the point I'm making his here is that you can think and not act and feel you can feel in that thinking act, you can act, and not necessarily be feeling and thinking. Now, of course, if you're acting, you're certainly more likely to also be feeling and thinking. However, what we want to do when we're trying to become something new is we want you to think, feel and act in alignment. When we think, feel and act in alignment. We are being this is being we all know what it's like to be authentically being something if I am authentically fit healthy individual. I don't think about healthy foods. I don't necessarily feel healthy foods, I don't just act healthy foods, I am being it right. It's just the way I go about my business. I don't need to think about it necessarily consciously. It's subconscious. I just know what I choose to eat. I know I'm a person who exercises I know I'm a person who's tapped in, in a sense. So if I'm being something, then by very definition, the way I'm defining being, this means I am in alignment with my thinking and feeling and action so much so that my thinking and my feeling may actually be subconscious at that point. And all that's really being reflected at the surface is my acting in alignment with that thinking and feeling. So this is why being is important.

Jade  9:54 

and now back to the show. So this is the definition of being when I am being I am thinking, feeling and acting in alignment with what I'm trying to achieve. Now what does faking me faking to me is this idea that when you're watching, I'm putting on a show. And as soon as you go away, I am no longer doing thinking or feeling the things that I was doing thinking or feeling while you were watching me. So faking means that in some level, I am not in alignment with my thinking, my feeling and my acting, I might be acting, but that's not how I feel deep down. Right, I might be thinking a particular thing in my head, but I act differently in the real world, I might tell you something. And but then I don't do it, which is where some of these phrases come up that say things like actions speak louder than words, words, we know that sometimes people can be faking, and actually not mean, what they say not be in alignment with what they're thinking, not do the things that they think and feel they should do. So faking means you're putting on a show, when people are watching, you are the thing. And when people aren't watching, you go right back to being what you were before. Now being means that when people are watching, you are the thing, but more importantly, when no one is watching at all, when no one is around at all, you are being that thing, because the fact of the matter is the brain is watching you all of the time. And it judges you the same way you judge others only more harshly. So from that perspective, there is at least one that person watching you are watching yourself, you are the observer. And ultimately being means that you are thinking, feeling and acting in alignment. And when your brain perceives itself looks out and sees you is observing your behaviors. It goes Oh, wow, you really are that thing, I am nothing we are this thing. And so faking it means the brain calls bullshit on you, the brain goes, I know what you're trying to say in the in the world. And I know you're trying to, you know, be this thing, but you're not actually being it because you might be saying it, but you're not doing it. You might be feeling it, but you're not doing it, you might be doing it, but you're not thinking and feeling it, you're a fraud, you are fake. And from my perspective, this is where all this disconnect comes from in the self-development world. faking it until you make it is exactly wrong. It makes you feel like a fraud, because you are a fraud in a sense, we don't want to be faking it. And these distinctions do matter. And I'm going to explain why they matter here in just a minute. Because there is a way to fake and there is a way to be. And if you're going to be the way of faking, you are not carrying out the way of being and therefore you won't make change down to the subconscious level. Now, before we get into this idea of being, we need to talk a little bit about the sub conscious aspects of humans. Now some people would say, you know, some idealistic philosophers, you know, idealism versus materialism, some people who subscribe to idealism that everything is just consciousness and mind would say, there is no true unconscious, there's just Source consciousness, and then ego consciousness. And everything else that we call subconscious are the things that were tapped into bubbling up from Source consciousness that we are not 100% aware of, at all times. So whether you say there's ego consciousness, my aware consciousness subconsciousness things in my history that I'm not fully aware of, or are not completely conscious of in the moment, and then Source consciousness, the idea is, is that there is an awareness, a conscious awareness and awake awareness. And there is this underlying belief systems structure consciousness, that is not something we have direct access to, at least all of the time. Now, the important part of this unconscious or Source consciousness is that this is where our deep seated beliefs come from. In other words, when we think a particular thing, act it out in the world, we might be confused about why we are doing it this way. When we consciously think I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be this way anymore, but I am. And then we have to ask ourselves, why is it just because we're lazy? No. Is it because we're unmotivated? No. It's simply because and I mean that by the way, like so when I say it's not because we are lazy, despite what cultures tells us. And it's not because we are unmotivated. Despite what culture tells us, it's because we have a disconnect in the deep unconscious or Siewert source conscious story that we're telling ourselves that is not in alignment with our conscious wants and desires. In other words, we have not spent the time looking at our seed stories. Now, what is a seed story a seed story is a seed, obviously, is something that you dig into the soil and put deep into the soil and cover it up and you can't see the seed. But it grows into a plant that pops above ground that you can see. So you could think of the soil as the subconscious. And you can think of the plant above ground as the conscious now our seed stories give rise to the plants or the flower that we see above ground. Now, if this is a beautiful flowers, something that we really think works for us, then there's no problem, then the seed story that is growing, this conscious flower is in alignment and good and something we're happy with. However, if it's a weed or an ugly, poisonous plant, or something toxic and noxious, then and that we want to change, we can't just cut the stem, can we, we all know what it's like weeding a garden, those weeds will just come right back, you got to pull them up by the roots. And not only do you need to pull them up by the roots, but you need to plant something better, more beautiful, something more hearty, something that you like better in its place. Otherwise, weeds will just come back. And sow a seed story is an unconscious story that is driving your ego consciousness to do things. And most of us who are trying to change have seen stories, underlying beliefs about the world that keep us from being in alignment with thinking, feeling and acting. For example, imagine you have an unconscious story, which I did for a long time. So I'm going to just give you my sort of unconscious awareness in my 20s and early 30s. I had a deep distrust for women. Now I'm a sis hetero man, which means I'm interested in females, I'm heterosexual. And I identify as a man. And therefore this belief that women were not trustworthy, which I was not aware of it was a seed story, unconscious to me, was dramatically impacting my relationships with my romantic relationships with women. Now that seeds story got planted when I was very young, when I was mostly unconscious. In the early ages of my life, typically from the ages of zero to six years old, we are largely unconscious, and a lot of these seeds stories get planted. And my mother who was an incredibly loving, amazing mom, in almost every way, was also a troubled mother dealing with some of her own childhood traumas, dealing with some of her own issues around being emotionally abused by her mother and other things that were going on in her life. So what I was confronted with as a young man, young boy, rather young toddler child, was a mom who was very loving to me and would say outwardly that she loves me and would give me all the affection in the world. But it was also emotionally volatile. One minute, she would be incredibly loving, incredibly present, incredibly joyful. And the next minute, she would be crying, or anxious, or freaking out because I left my socks on, you know, the floor, or whatever it was. And so her emotional states were volatile. So I learned not to trust that she was happy when she was happy. I was always expecting some kind of traumatic eruption to happen. And this was a seed story seed story saying women are not trustworthy emotionally. They are going to be volatile, something's going to be wrong, even if it seems right now, something's gonna be wrong later. And this seed story grew into a plant that then affected the way I was being out in the world. Now it took an incredibly difficult time period of my life where I had an affair. I betrayed my wife I was betrayed by the woman that I was falling in love with course I betrayed myself many of you have heard this story. But this incredibly destructive time in my life and incredibly credible time of suffering and difficulty led me to finally once and for all look underneath the soil. And what I discovered was the following. I had seen this pattern crop up again and again in my life and where in my younger years I would blame my girlfriend's it's just them. They're just emotionally volatile, you know, it's just them. They're just emotionally volatile. It's just them. They're just emotionally volatile. When we see repeated patterns, recurrent obstacles stuck, emotions show up in our lives again, and again. And again, we need to finally understand that there's something under the soil a seed story that is likely producing this and it's not them, they're not the toxic ones. I'm the problem. If it's a repeated pattern and recurrent obstacle, or stuck a motion, that it lies with me, I'm the only one who can be the problem. And oftentimes, it takes some incredibly traumatic events to help us even go looking for our shadow side to spot these underlying destructive seed stories. This was very traumatic to me, disrupted my entire version of who I thought I was in the world, I was being a way that I did not think I was, there wasn't an alignment issue here, I was not in alignment with thinking feeling and acting as an honest, loving, supportive husband and human. Instead, I was saying I was honest, supportive, generous, you know, a human. And then I was doing very manipulative and damaging things as a result of this underlying seat story. And I had to look at that because it was my pattern, my obstacles, my emotions, that kept repeating again, and again and again. And this event was traumatic enough for me to go look, now perhaps you can relate to this, I would even submit and many of you who listen to this podcast know that I see suffering as the very source of meaning. In other words, the very point of suffering and hurt and mental emotional pain in my mind now is for us to look at it pay attention and understand the underlying lessons that are trying to be taught for us. In other words, pain, suffering and hurt are the things that shine a spotlight under the soil to the seeds stories that are growing a destructive life. And then once we spot the seeds, stories, this is where the fake it until you make it be it till you see it. Distinction matters most. Because guess what I was doing. I was often faking it till I make it every relationship that I had, I thought was getting better. But these were superficial tools I was using, I was like, Oh, I'll be more patient and I did gain some ability to be patient. Oh, I'll be more stoic. Oh, and I did gain so I'll just be more emotionally regulated. I did get that so I did learn things from this. But faking it wasn't helping me make the complete change that I wanted to make. I needed to spot it first being it was what mattered. Now the idea then goes like this will Jade how do I be it will first of all understand you cannot be anything until you are aware of what you are doing. Awareness is the first battle. And this is why self-development is the most important undertaking any human can have self-awareness, consciousness about our underlying dysfunctions is what's important here. And most people I would submit, never look this way. This is why often or never look underneath the soil. They never confront their shadows. This is why I often talk about the fact that we distract, we deny, we blame we complain, we whimper and whine rather than looking under the soil. We put it out there. This is one of the reasons why I hate that saying talks. That's a toxic person. Because to me, I go voluntary, repeated exposure to something that I know is toxic.

Jade  28:33 

let's get back to the show. Now I know that's an incredibly difficult thing for people to understand. In fact, I've talked about this on my Facebook page, the next level human Facebook page recently, and had a whole Firestorm are rough with people saying, well, there's certain people who can't escape for financial reasons or because for safety reasons and things like that. And that's why I use the term voluntary and repeated exposure. If you are someone who is fearing for your safety or fearing for the loved one safety or do not have the financial resources, we all know that people in abusive relationships oftentimes don't necessarily have the choice and the resources to get out. In that case. It's not voluntary exposure. But voluntary. Repeated exposure to a person that you say is toxic without creating boundaries, or severing that relationship altogether makes you the toxic one. In other words, the first step here is to spot the patterns, the obstacles and the stuck emotions. I want to give you an analogy often use because it's a silly analogy might make you laugh, but it drives this home. Bad breath is the example. Now the fact of the matter is regardless of what you think most people are not going to be able to smell their bad breath. They're too close to it, right? They're used to it. They don't smell their breath. to the same degree you do, but you can smell someone's breath, if they have really bad breath immediately, and you know who your friends are, who have bad breath. Now, they probably don't know who they are. Otherwise, they would probably do something about it, wouldn't they? So being psychologically asleep and unconscious, is a lot like having bad breath. You don't know that you have it, but everyone else does. And they will have certain behaviors and do certain things, to let you know that you have bad breath. But you have to look and say, why are they doing what they're doing? For example, if someone offers you gum all the time, and it's not just one person, but it's a lot of different people are always saying, Would you like a stick of gum, if you haven't been kissed in 10 years, if people keep their distance from you, and you've been told more than once that you have bad breath, then you likely have bad breath. And this is what I mean by you have to pay attention to your repeated patterns, recurrent obstacles and stuck emotions that come up over and over again, in your life. This tells you about your seed stories. So when you see that you have to go, Okay, I must be the one with bad breath, I have got to go look here. Now, the fact of the matter is oftentimes this takes time. You don't necessarily need though, to have talk therapy and everything else, you just need to be aware of the patterns and want those patterns to change. In other words, it's not one of these things where you have to fully discover the negative seed story to start making changes. You just need to know how this works. You need to know that I can't fake it, I have to be it. Now, how do you be it? The best way to think about this is to imagine yourself as a method actor. So we all know actors. Now, most actors are not method actors, most actors take on a role. And while they are acting, when they go into the studio, when the lights go on, when they say action, they play the part that they have been hired to play. And then when they say cut, they go back to their regular lives. That's what 99% of actors do, right. But then there are people called method actors that essentially once they get a role, they play that role, whether people are watching or not, they take on the role of that person immediately. And they live that role their entire life during the process of this movie, so that when the scene cuts on, and they say action, they've already been being that thing for weeks, and months and day and that entire day. And it's just a different situation for the same person, in a sense. And many method actors will say like when they're playing disturbed people, when they're, you know, they'll fear for themselves, but it'd be like they're really getting the energetics of this thing. And their personality literally is changing. Well, you want to use this to your advantage, you want to become a method actor, before you go to bed at night, you want to go What am I going to do tomorrow? That a fit, healthy person would do? What am I going to do tomorrow that a wealthy entrepreneur will do? What am I going to do tomorrow, that a confident, confidently detached, you know, desirable romantic partner would do and be tomorrow. And then when soon as you wake up, you start being those things. You don't have to fake it, you don't eat, you know, the bacon double cheeseburger for lunch, when your friends aren't around, and then have you know, a salad and chicken breasts for dinner when your friends are around. You simply eat the salad and chicken breast. Starting the day, you start eating healthy, because that's who you are being that's who you are thinking feeling and action is in alignment. So you take on a role and you play this role. And most importantly, you're playing this role when no one is watching at all. And what begins to happen is because you are in alignment with thinking, feeling and acting, what will happen is you'll start to see the entire way you see the world began to shift. Your perceptual awareness will shift once you get your thinking acting in alignment in this new future state. So what you're doing as you're projecting out into the world and saying what do I want my future to look like? And now I'm not going to fake it in the moment. I'm going to live that reality right now as if it's occurring right now. And what will begin to happen is not the law of attraction. The Law of Attraction is not a real thing. In my mind, what we're really saying here is, it's the law of recognition. As soon as you start thinking, feeling and acting in alignment, you start to recognize all the opportunity Use the world gives you that are in alignment with that reality. Right? I'll give you an example here, let's say you're in overweight, out of shape. A person who is desiring to be romantically attracted to, and attract did attractive to and attracted to somebody who is a healthy fit person. So you begin to say, I'm going to be it until I see it. Now, what are you going to do, you're going to wake up and treat yourself the way a healthy fit person's going to be. And then you're going to start saying, well, where would this healthy fit attractive person be? Maybe they're at CrossFit, maybe they're at yoga, whatever your sort of mental emotional alignment is attracted to, you will recognize you Oh, I'm gonna go to a yoga class, I'm gonna go to a CrossFit class, I'm gonna go start walking this trail, I'm going to, you know, the, oh, there's an opportunity to get a dog to keep me active, right, you're gonna start thinking, feeling and acting in alignment. And next thing, you know, you'll be moving most of the day, you'll be shopping at Whole Foods, you won't be going to fast food places, you'll be going to other healthier places, you'll start meeting those people who go to those healthier places, you will start going to CrossFit or the yoga place, and you'll start meeting people who go to those places. And you'll start recognizing more and more and more opportunities to be this thing, you will completely be immersing yourself deeper, and deeper and deeper. And what's happening is, you're planting a seed into that new soil, deep down into your unconscious, your brain keeps going, Wow, they're being the thing. And the next day, the day the brain goes, Wow, they're being the thing. And the next day, the brain goes, Wow, they're being the thing. And the next day, the brain goes, Wow, we are this thing. And then the next day, the brain goes, Wow, we really are this thing. And the next day it goes, Wow, we really are this thing. And next thing you know, you didn't know any different. And now it's been a used to. You know, one of the things I oftentimes say is people live from wanting to they get older, they always want it to be this or I always want it to be that or I always wanted to do this or I always wanted to do that. What we really want to be thinking about is that when we are being when we use this, be it till you see it mentality, then it's like I used to, I used to be someone who ate junk food, I used to be someone who didn't work out, I used to be someone who loves sweets, I used to be XYZ. So what happens is faking it until you make it usually leads you to never changing. And then you look back and say I always wanted to do this, I tried being it till you see it makes you go I used to be that now I'm this different thing. And so what happens is, as you start to be it until you see it, what you're doing is you are tilling the soil, pulling the weeds and planting the seed all at once. And now you have this new seed story because you're seeing the world differently. And what's beautiful about this is we humans are not islands unto ourselves. So as we begin to be in until we see it, and play this method actor and go out into the world and do and be and think and feel this new thing. We will run into people who do and be and think and feel the same way. And they will give us new ideas, things that we didn't know, we didn't know, which will help us be even more fully this thing. And we will slowly but surely start to gravitate more towards certain types of people and away from other types of people. And before we know it, our entire world has changed the things we keep in our refrigerator, that environment changes the way the things we have in our home, that environment changes and you know, maybe you know your your refrigerator changes from, you know, soda pop to lots of sparkling waters, and lots of meats and cheeses to lots of meats and salads. Right and your living room now looks a little different. Maybe there's a stationary bike in your living room now. And maybe the TV is moved out of your living room or, and moved out of your your, your bedroom, and you're sleeping more and maybe you decide to move to a new apartment that has a green way behind the house. See what I mean, and your whole environment starts to look different. And by the way, one of the most beautiful things about traumatic events is traumatic events, suffering hurt pain, they really do disrupt the whole soil. It's almost as if you put a hand grenade under the soil, and this earthquake happens and the soil moves around. And you look around and you're and you're able to go what's working and what's not working. Why did this happen? Why did this not happen? Sometimes there's no reason for why things happen. But there certainly are opportunities in what happened even negative things that happen and this is why oftentimes people will have divorces or getting fired from a job or you know a health scare or any of these things that are the trigger to help them be it until they see it. And so what you want to remember is that if you want change, it's not the law of attraction and fake it till you make it And these distinctions really matter. It's be it till you see it and the law of recognition. And your reality is coming from unconscious beliefs that trickle up into thinking, feeling and acting. And these unconscious beliefs are stories, stories that you bought into oftentimes, when you were too young to consciously understand what you were doing. And the stories, the seeds, these beliefs need to be dug up, they need to be questioned. And even if you can't completely find them, what you always need to be looking, you could always start them, be it until you see it process. Now, think feel act in alignment, how, by playing a role, not when people are watching, but every single second of every single day moving forward, and you can never go back. So this movie that you're playing this role in is a permanent movie, you are literally murdering, and I use that that terminology on purpose because I just want strong language here, you are murdering your old psychology. And it is a death every bit as permanent as physical death. That psychological person who used to have a b and c seed story now has XY and Z seed stories that now dominate their lives. And by the way, you know what this looks like even if you're not consciously aware that you do, very few of us hold the same beliefs, the same ways of thinking, feeling and acting as we did at 18 years old. Right? We've mostly changed since then, sadly enough, though, many of us live into our 80s and die thinking feeling and acting like our late 20s and early 30s selves. That is problematic if you want to grow. If you want to evolve if you want to contribute if you want to matter and make a difference if you want to have fulfillment in your life. It's not faking until you make it. It's be it until you see it. Alright, thanks so much for hanging out in the podcast for this episode, and I will see you at the next one. I appreciate you so much.

Jade  42:15 

You've been listening to the next level human podcast with Dr. Jade Teta. If you enjoyed this episode, please make sure you subscribe and consider leaving a review. You make the biggest difference when you pass on your lessons and inspire others. That's why reviews like this are so powerful. Your words may be the only ones that resonate for someone else. Please remember the information in this podcast is for educational purposes only. Always consult your personal Physician or Therapist. We're making any lifestyle changes. And finally, thank you for where you are in the world. And the difference you make