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No More Mr. Nice Guy: Why She Calls You A Pussy

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    It has been said that, “good guys finish last.” I am not a fan of these “rule of thumb” statements. They rarely represent the entire story, yet often get it completely wrong.

    That being said, there are some very important points men, who are “good guys,” should consider.  And for women, it may be wise for you to pay attention to this blog too.

    Unfortunately, what women say they want, a sensitive, open man, often backfires. It backfires on the man, because he loses a big piece of his masculine side, the very thing a woman is really seeking.

    It backfires on a woman too, when the sensitive, thoughtful man she wished for starts looking soft and ineffective in her eyes. I am going to help you understand why.

    Mr. Nice Guy:

    What exactly do we mean by the “good guy” or “Mr. Nice Guy?”

    He is a man who is kind.  He is a man who is generous.  Most of all, he is a man that spends a lot of time doing his best to please others. He does not ruffle feathers. He is often an attentive partner and devoted father.

    Research shows pretty conclusively that women prefer men who are altruistic and funny (men like funny women too) above almost all other traits. If you are into attraction research, like I am, you can read some of these studies out of the links above.

    Men who do good deeds for others enjoy more relationships, more sex partners and are deemed more desirable by women.

    On the surface all this seems like a good thing, right? Be a Mr. Nice Guy and you win. Not so fast, there is a hidden downside to being so nice and accommodating.

    He’s a pussy:

    I remember I was in a conversation with a female friend of mine who was married. I was not as good of friends with her husband as I was with her, but I knew him in passing and liked him very much.

    He was, by all measures, a “good guy.”  He seemed to adore her.  He loved his kids and was a devoted father. She even said he treated her great, and he was kind and pleasant to people.

    The more we talked the more I started to get a different view of the way she saw him. Then one day, in an unguarded and candid moment, she pronounced, “He is such a pussy.”

    I did not hear much after that because I remember being taken aback by it a little bit.  I was thinking in my head, “But he seems like such a great guy? Why is he a pussy?” I also thought, “Wow, I hope my wife never speaks about me that way.”

    I remember I had a strange feeling when she said this.  On the one hand, we were friends and I knew her to be such a great person. On the other hand, while I knew her husband less well, he was a great guy.

    Some years later he and she split up, and I remember thinking that one conversation had telegraphed the entire relationship. She did not respect who he was in the world, at least not at that time.

    Some background:

    First, let me tell you about some of my relationships, then I will give you some insight from my coaching practice on this.

    I started out in high school as pretty much a dick.  Not a dick in the traditional sense where I was insecure so I treated everyone like shit.  It was more I was extremely confident, had plans and goals and did not really have much time for women or dating.

    My girlfriend at the time had to deal with that. She called me an asshole on more than a few occasions. I was aloof, uncaring, distracted and driven.  I did not take the time to communicate any of this to her. I just did my thing and assumed she was too needy.

    It turned out badly for me of course. She ended it just when I was coming around to appreciate what a relationship had to offer. It was my first heart break.

    After that, I got much better and was more attentive and kind.  I went out of my way to let the women I was with know they were beautiful and I appreciated them. I did not want to repeat mistakes. Despite that, I still was way more driven and into my goals than I was any woman.

    This was something that was confusing to me.  Pretty much throughout my dating life I was 100% with the women I was with at the time.  I did not cheat or go outside of the relationships, but they were also not my top priority.

    As a result of this, I have been told by many of my ex girlfriends (I am one of those people who has remained friends with almost all his exes) that I broke their hearts and I was “the guy that got away” for them. Strangely, my attentive, but driven dating self was way more desirable than my asshole self? 😉 hahaha

    Fast forward to a much later relationship and I became far more invested and attached.  More communicative. More emotionally open. I shared all my feelings and was much more accommodating and into the girl.

    I shared a lot of my internal struggles and thoughts.  I was overly communicative in my opinion.

    As a result, this girl bolted before we could see about each other, which I very much wanted. She never called me a pussy to my face, but perhaps she thought it. It was a strange thing for me since I was not used to this.  But looking back, I think I know exactly what happened.

    In this relationship I waffled back and forth between two personas.  Sometimes I was the real Jade, and others, I was the needy Jade. Interestingly, with this particular relationship, the more strong, steadfast and unattached to outcome I was (the real Jade), the closer she wanted to be.  The more vulnerable, communicative, accommodating and needy I was, the more she recoiled.

    All of this was unconscious of course, and if it were not for me seeing this play out again and again in my coaching practice, I would have chalked it up to just my own personal experience.

    Why does this happen:

    The essence of maleness, and the hormone testosterone, is of drive, focus, protection and the desire to win. Most people recognize this.

    What many don’t know is it is also to be a provider, protector and support system. If you think about this from the evolutionary perspective you will realize it makes sense. 

    An alpha male, the one who leads a pack, must be both a lover and a fighter. He must defend his tribe with power, but he does this because of his love and devotion to them.

    An alpha male is both powerful and compassionate.  He is clear, steady, focused and also open and communicative. He expresses his feelings honestly, but realizes doing so too often takes away his power.

    I know what you are thinking.  “Jade, I don’t get it.  It sounds like you are saying be both?”

    That is exactly what I am saying.  In the first story I told you about myself, I was the typical distracted, driven and powerful male who had no time for my girl.  In the other scenario, I was overly invested and too vulnerable.

    You don’t want to be an asshole or a pussy.  And actually, this is pretty easy to accomplish just by getting in touch with your authentic maleness.

    An Authentic Male Is An Alpha Male:

    You must have something that is your drive and your ambition. Your legacy so to speak. It should preferably be something other than your girl. She needs to be your top priority of course, but she cant be the only priority.

    You also must have a clearly defined honor code and code of arms. I have talked about these things in other blogs and they are essential as a man. READ THOSE BLOGS!!!

    An authentic male takes charge in all the small ways that women notice. He makes the dinner reservations, he plans the trips, he approaches the hostess, he makes sure he flags down the server in a restaurant if his girl has a complaint about her meal.

    At the same time, he is not dominate or domineering and is glad to let his girl change the plans. He loves her power and will gladly and easily allow her to be in control if she chooses, it is just that his default is to get it done first.

    He makes decisions and he handles business.  He does not wait for his girl to do this.  He is not lazy. He also is not rude. He is kind, but firm.  He knows what he wants, and he is not afraid to pursue it. He has strong boundaries and carries minimal emotional baggage.

    At the same time, he is not an emotional robot.  He has feelings and he will express them, but this is where guys need to listen VERY carefully. Feelings and their expression are important.  For a man however, this is a difficult tightrope to walk.

    Fuck vulnerable:

    I don’t care how many Brene Brown books you have read (I have read them all).  I also don’t care what your girl says about wanting a “vulnerable man.” Ditto for the “relationship coaches” spewing this nonsense to men.

    A vulnerable man is liable to get labeled as a pussy if he is not careful. I have some very specific advice for you.

    Refrain from speaking about your feelings unless you are asked or you are REALLY dealing with some shit that needs to be hashed out.  Bringing up emotions, blaming and complaining kill your authentic male. Try to refrain from doing this.

    When you are asked is a different story. When asked how you are or how you feel, discuss your feelings openly and honestly with compassion and empathy for yourself, and the person you are communicating with. After that, consider it done. Try not to rehash it again and again.

    Realize that a man, who is constantly talking about their feelings, how they were treated poorly or in need of constant affirmation, is going to get labeled as a pussy. That is not the essence of man.

    The way to handle this is to speak about your feelings once and then drop it.  Don’t bring it up again unless asked or the situation demands a reminder. I realize this is a tough pill to swallow.  Something about it seems wrong or unhealthy right?

    Remember, this is not about stuffing emotions. It is about being open when appropriate and when asked. What we are talking about here is a constant need to vent, complain and make emotional bids for attention.

    I realize this sucks.  I also realize some of the Brene Brown devotees will not like this either. I don’t give a shit.  Trust me on this. You start talking about your feelings all the time as a guy and it is not going to go well for you.  You will lose some of your man power.  Your girl may not realize she is doing it, but she can easily emasculate you. You are not her girlfriend, you are her man. Act like it.

    I am not saying never talk about your feelings.  I am saying to say what you need to say and then shut up and do your job.  They heard you. You said it. A few more times at most, but a constant incessant need to blame, complain, whine, and make bids for attention as a man is NOT a good look. 

    Open Emotionally, Detached To Outcome:

    A great way to think about this is to be always open and ready to express your feelings.  At the same time, be prepared to detach from the need to have anything done about it.

    You are not a boy, you are a man. As a result, there is a degree of “suck it up” built in.  I know the female driven self-help world wants to pretend this is not the case, sorry it is.

    An authentic, emotionally mature male is always ready to go deep with you, and he is always prepared to be ok not going there.

    Boundaries not baggage:

    Another thing to think about here is to set up clear boundaries. Don’t put up with a woman who sees you as a pussy in the first place.  This is the absolute worst type of woman. Get rid of her.

    If she can’t be an authentic woman for you, the way you are an authentic man for her, then you should be the one walking, and never look back. My advice is to NEVER, EVER deal with this type of woman.

    There are plenty of beautiful, kind, emotionally open and communicative women in the world. Don’t waste your time trying to keep someone like this. Let the next guy deal with her.

    Trust me, no matter what you think, a woman like this will be saying the same thing about her next man. I don’t like the word bitch….but just as there are asshole men, there are bitchy women. Steer clear and good riddance if you are leaving one behind.

    The essence of woman is as care taker, confidant, cheerleader, healer.  A good woman is compassionate, patient and empathetic. She will naturally give you affirmation and support.

    The essence of woman is also creator, defender and nurturer. Women are powerful. They have emotional resilience seldom seen in men. They have an amazing capacity to love and care for so many, making their emotional endurance way beyond a man’s, in my opinion.  This is why men like me are in awe of women.  As their man, make sure you do everything you can to make sure they have space to care for themselves too. They need that in their man.

    If a women is not willing to be these things for you, if she can’t defend you the way you do her, if she, too, is not helping you be better and encouraging your own self-growth and love and does not nurture you the way you do her, then she is the problem not you.

    A man with strong boundaries loves fiercely and honestly, but also will not tolerate being treated like less of a man.

    Final thoughts:

    The essence of man is drive, power, winner and warrior. They have goals, drive, take charge and make decisions. They are not waiting around for their woman to get it done.

    An authentic, alpha male is also flexible, emotionally open, communicative, sharing and deeply compassionate and caring.

    Be both of these things with strong boundaries, a great sense of humor and action oriented ambition and you will be neither an asshole nor a pussy. In fact, you will be a treasure to your woman, and a source of pride for yourself.

    Oh, and guess what?  The bedroom is no different.  There is a time to make love, and a time to fuck. That is an entirely other blog, but it is a good idea to learn to be flexible and attentive to your woman in this way as well.  My conversations with women tell me this is a huge component of the strong, assertive, openly emotional man they dream about.

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      2 comments

      • Shawn says

        Great advice…all of it. You directed this toward the guys, but I’ll put in my 2 cents.
        Yeah men walk a tightrope, but they don’t balance well. I feel like most men are good guys- not wimps, just plain old good guys. Somewhere along the line they get dogged for being good, then go to the other extreme and become assholes. I think they do it for survival because they know women respond better…or differently.
        Women like men with a little edge to them. Unfortunately, we spin the edge into a full-fledged aloof bad boy, or Mr. Vague and Unavailable. Because many of us have daddy issues, we chase this bad boy until we’re exhausted. We learn our lesson if we’re lucky and become wiser. We get older and realize the good guy was where it was at all along. But you are right- it’s not enough to just be a good guy. Be good and funny, good and tough, good and interesting.
        Thanks for acknowledging that men and women have VERY different strengths. And we shouldn’t ignore this when interacting.

        • jade says

          Thank you Shawn. I appreciate those thoughts.

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